There’s been a lot of times recently, that I’ve tried to put into words what my mother means to me. Honestly? It’s just too hard. Words would never be able to do justice to the love I have for her. For me it goes beyond love. Is that even possible? Well for me it is. There isn’t one thing that I would not do for her. Okay there’s one or two things I’ve refused to do ha. Notably, get married. But that’s a whole different thing that we don’t need to talk about here. It’s distracting from the time that she deserves. She’s simply amazing. There’s not a day goes by that in my actions or words that I don’t think of her. I am a part of her. I am a mould of her. I may be going on but she’s epic beyond proportions. I know as children we think of out parents as God, well I still do. She’s like a God to me and I take her words as Gospel.
She’s been through a lot. Endured so much to raise 3 Sikh children in Scotland. Sacrificed so much and endured so much hardship. In the hope that we’d make her proud. I wish I had done more in the past for her happiness. It’s only now that I sit at my desk, so many thousands of miles away that I feel I’ve let her down. I could’ve been a better son. I could still be. I could be a better Sikh. She’d be happier for me to be a better Sikh. Learn more and embrace it. Well mum I’m trying. These days my faith has wavered. Especially in the last week with news of Dad. Everyday I talk to you and I hear you speak the words but I cannot register as to what they mean. As I hear them they fill me with a numbness and I become empty. It’s only afterwards that I’m able to try and comprehend what they mean. I’m sorry I’m not there to carry the burden for you. I should be. I’m sorry I’m not there to dry your tears as you think about what’s happening right now. There are days I struggle to keep it together, knowing you feel so alone. I’m really sorry I’ve let my faith waiver. Times like this we should remember Waheguru like you taught us. Not question his intentions. I’ll do more Seva. I’m sorry that you have to endure this on your own. I’ll always listen and try to be there as much as I can for you mum. You are my world, I hope you know this. I try to remind you everyday that we speak. I’m glad you’ve managed to figure out how to use your iPad. At least I can see and dad sometimes. Talk to me. I need to know how you feel. Please don’t bottle it up. I’ll always be here for you as you are for me. Near or far.
These are things that are hard to talk about sometimes. So I usually practice them over in my head when I’m alone. I must sound like a crazy person to those reading this, but it’s how I cope, crazy or not.
My mother, S. Kaur. Has done what most parents would do. Sacrificed her own hopes and dreams in order for us to realise ours. I mean would it not be for my mother, I’d not be here in Canada right now. When my dad had his accident, life became so hard for all of us. But mostly for her. Her life has changed so much now. She’s his sole carer. My mother sleeps downstairs on the floor next to my dads bed to ensure he’s ok at night because she wants to be close to him. She wants to make sure he’s ok. She does everything for him. Now that’s a love that cannot be rivalled or comprehended. Maybe one day we will all experience such a thing. But even with all this going on. We would talk about me coming out here and she would encourage me to. She needed me more at that time but as a mother she could see I needed this too. So with her support I am here now. Had she said no, I’d have stayed. She’s only ever done what she thought was best for us children. She’s an amazing woman.
Anyway, I seem to be rambling about the love I have for her. It’s limitless. It’s timeless. It cannot be counted. It’s unquantifiable…
I love you mum. I miss you more everyday. Please dry those tears. Think of the good things in life. Think of Waheguru, he will help us get through this.
Again apologies if I’ve bored you, but this has been long overdue and I needed to say it. Especially now.