I’ve sat down, and I don’t even know what I want to write here. Spoke to my mum this morning, listening to her woes, as well as a son can do, so far away from home. I don’t even have the words to say how I feel. She talks about the struggles of life. Everything happening at once. A grandmother on the verge of death, a father ill, with no cure in sight, a grandson running around the house, and three sons with no direction in life. One of which is me. I actually don’t know the point of this exercise, to sit and write thoughts or feelings on paper, for everyone to read. Not so long ago, it used to bring me peace, but of late it feels like a chore. So much effort going into trying to think of something to say. Trying to put it on paper so eloquently. Today I simply don’t care. I write as the words come to mind and for you the reader, it will make no sense, but I don’t care. Right now, you’re simply reading my thoughts.
Of late, I’ve felt a great emptiness, a sadness. That no matter what I do I cannot fill or fix. Thing is I’m oddly happy and content too. There’s a great change in my life, that’s occurring. People come and people go. They make promises, that they have no intention of keeping. Yet still at the age of 31, I take them at their word. Blindly believing, each word that they say. Then they go and break those promises, yet I still forgive. I cannot find it in myself to hate. Trust me, I’ve tried to hate, I really have. It just doesn’t happen, there’s a flaw in me I guess. Others manage it so easily and I sometimes, I really wish I could. But it doesn’t happen. There’s a momentary lapse where I feel anger, but that subsides as quickly as it comes. Then I’m back at square one. Perhaps, I’m stupid, not learning from past mistakes. But then I think, trying to see the good in people, or trusting others can’t be a flaw. A friend tells me this is a good quality; I’ve yet to find that good, because I’m the one that is left to pick up the pieces. There’s only so many times, one can be repaired.
I know none of that really made sense; I did warn you that I am rambling. Now you have a glimpse into my mind, be glad you’re not in there. I think I’m confused, as to how I feel about people in this world. I never feel like I truly fit in. I don’t get how others think or act and it makes me sad. I’ve always been different and now I’m reminded again that I am different. So where can I go from here? I don’t know, I really wish I knew…
Anyway, this is a random post, thank you for reading. Apologies for boring you!