I’ve been meaning to sit down and write for a while now. In my head I had it all planned out. I was going to write this silly little introduction, a little bit about who I am and what I do. But I don’t see the point in doing that right now.
I am broken. I am heartbroken. Today, at 2am GMT my Nani Ji passed away. I’ve consoled my mother, who at first took the news okay. Well as okay as could be. I got the message from my cousin and I rushed home to tell her. My eyes were filling up and my heart racing in my chest as I drove at speed to get to her. It wasn’t that I wanted to be the one to break the news to her. I just wanted to be with her and to ensure she wasn’t alone when she heard the news. It ended being that I had to be the one to break it to her. And like it said, she seemed to handle it well. I guess at first because we knew it was coming. You see my Nani Ji, Hadn’t been eating properly for months. She’d refuse meals and only drink water, at that she had to be forced. But I’ll talk about that more later.
So I woke my mum and told her and then I called my Mama Ji (uncle) to speak to him as my family mostly all live in India. This is where my Nani Ji lived also. Upon hearing his voice my mother broke down in tears. She collapsed and cried down the phone to him and that killed me more than anything. It took me right back to when my Nana Ji passed away. Hearing that same noise it echoed within me memories of the past. Back then I was living in Canada and I couldn’t be there for her, so I had to make sure I was with her this time.
I’m rambling right now, but everyone has gone to sleep and I’m wide-awake. I’m emotionally and mentally drained but I needed to do something. So I turned to the same thing I always do when I need someone. I sat down to write. This might bring me a little comfort, it might not, but I need to do something. I have Paath playing as I write. I’m hoping it brings me some sort of peace. Right now I am at a loss, I feel lost and I don’t know what I should be doing or how I should be feeling. I have no grandparents left alive and that’s hard to comprehend. Very hard.
One thing that gives me a little solace is that I got to see her last month. It had been 5 years since I had last gone to India and she had been ill for a while. I am glad I made the decision to go and see her. As I write this part of me kind of thinks she waited to see us all. The only person she didn’t get to see was my younger brother, because he didn’t want to go. But I feel like she waited to say her goodbyes before she left this Earth.
As I’m writing this, I’m recalling some of the things she said to me. She always wanted to see me married and I remember her telling me again and again to go out and meet someone. Sadly she never got to see that and I am sorry that I couldn’t fulfill that wish for her. She always wanted the best for us and she loved us deeply. I know that even if we didn’t get to see her all that often. I guess that’s the hard part of being the child of an immigrant. You will always leave a part of yourself behind. Only last night I was thinking of my time with her and when I’d see her again. I was planning my next trip over. I guess that will never come to pass and that is heartbreaking.
This is a very somber post, but I felt the need to write it. Writing helps me cope with a lot of things in this life. I hope wherever you are now Nani Ji, you are a peace. I’ll always love you; you were another amazingly strong woman in my life. Thank you for everything.
RIP Nani Ji